on dreams..

In The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch talked about achieving childhood dreams. He mentioned how he got to make some of his childhood dreams sort of come true, one way or another. It was very inspiring to read but it also made me realize, I don't have achievable childhood dreams.

I mean, sure, I wanted to be an artist, which was decided because of my drawing talent. I wanted to work at a supermarket (endless supply of candy), and of course, I wanted to have the adventurous life every Disney princess ever had, ahem, provided that I'd get Prince Charming and the happy ending. But that was it, I had never even dreamt of becoming a doctor as a kid, that decision came on relatively very late in my life.

I love cliche. I love how most of people's success stories start with "ever since I was a kid...". It makes me wish I had that kind of prologue to my story. I know it does not mean a lot, it does not change the fact that you can be either Superman or a janitor, but it would be nice to have it.

Years after getting over the fact that I had only started considering medicine in high school, I came across another new decision. My future career.

I graduated from medical school having one and only specialty in my head. I don't even have to say it cause I'm 104% sure each and every one of you, my 2 loyal readers and sister, know it.

I was smitten. One of my seniors even laughed so hard after I gushed about it and told me I sounded like I was talking about The One.

But life can be quite ironic, I have fallen in love with another specialty. I, Hind, have given up on OB/GYN and now declare family medicine as my new love.

And once again, I don't have history. I don't have a Chapter One that starts with "when I was a 3rd year med student..".

Two months ago, during my OB/GYN rotation, I kept convincing myself that this is what I wanted. That it didn't matter that I was miserable, or really stressed, all what mattered was that at some point in my life I loved it and that must not change. I loved working in the department, but I just did not want to keep doing it for the rest of my life. I was very unhappy and really confused. And then it hit me, I pushed my emotions aside (which is very hard to do, being me) and concentrated. I actually did that, I sat on my couch and focused, just like that. I made a lot of pro/con lists. I talked to almost every one of my seniors. Until I finally came to a conclusion.

Well, two conclusions.

No. 1 is that I'm a big drama queen and really must cool it down.

And conclusion no. 2 is that, maybe childhood dreams are overrated. It does not matter when you push the Start button. It is okay to change your mind, to have second thoughts, and even cold feet, as long as you are absolutely sure of what you love and makes you happy. Because then, you will really shoot for the moon, instead of just staring miserably at the sky.

ADHD

I recently stumbled upon a blog run by a couple of ADHDers, thanks to Twitter, Mr Lehbistan and my unfailing curiosity.

Before I go on on how much I enjoyed it, you must know about my weird interest in psychiatry. It is the kind of interest that makes me want to go read all about a topic once I learn about it but never really consider becoming a psychiatrist. It's too huge a burden for me (as if being a doctor isn't already).

I have never met someone with ADHD and even though it's not very uncommon disorder, it remains one of the many underdiagnosed disorders, especially here in Saudi. So reading My ADHD Life blog has been too exciting for me! I'm actually constantly fighting the urge to ask Lehbistan too many questions and I'm sure if he happened to read this post he would consider ignoring me for life but oh well..

I suggest you all click on the link below, the posts are light, nicely written and fun to read. You will learn much more about ADHD and the one thing we desperately need here is awareness of plenty of different conditions including this. So anyway, less talking, more linking, click here and spread the word!

the story of my graduation

So it is official. I'm a graduate.

I was lying on the couch reading my Aussie book that I'm currently obsessed with when my friend F BBMed us "el pedia 6l3at".

My heart sank but I had no time to think. I had no time to process that I was about to know for sure if I had graduated or not. I jumped to where my Dad was using his laptop and told him I needed to check my grades. We both waited anxiously as the page loaded and then I saw it. I saw the last grade in my student life. The tiny letter had much more to it. It was saying: "You did it. You passed. You're no longer a student. Welcome to the real life."

My father hugged me and thanked me. He thanked me for working so hard, for getting out alive, for getting a good GPA, and for making them proud, always. I was touched, why would my father thank me? I'm the one who should thank my parents for being unbelievably supportive and believing in me. I should thank them for everything they have been and done, not only in the last 6 years, but ever since I was born.

I sat down, spread the news to my sisters and friends. I was shaking even though I had to keep telling myself "Hind this is it. This is the moment you've been waiting for for 6 years. You are here!" because it wasn't sinking in yet.

Boy, wasn't it just great, having that moment of pure relief. It was one of those very few moments in life, when you absolutely worry about nothing. Nothing at all. When all you feel is accomplishment and content and gratitude and joy. That moment definitely tops every other.

So here I am, writing this post as I'm excitedly waiting for tomorrow, actually today, my first day as a medical intern.

This day marks a new phase in my life. I'll be on my own. I won't have my knights in shiny armors (aka my best friends) around all the time to guide me. I'll be on my own for the first time in a very long time. And yes, I do feel like a perky kid preparing his backpack on the night of his first day in school.

So wish me luck, 'cause I'm one absolutely clueless intern.

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class '11

I gotta tell ya, Twitter is stealing this blog's thunder. Actually it might already have.

A while ago I made a pact with myself to post every week, because I really love blogging. And let's face it, 140 characters are and will never be enough for me. Yet I neglected my blog again for the I-don't-know-what-th time..

So anyway, as some of you know I am taking my very last course in my very last year in medical school. i.e. I'm graduating in 5 weeks inshallah :D and boy, is it exhilarating!

First off, we're not like every other major in the world, studying does not end once we're out of school. There are some exams we should take during and after internship (aka 7th year)

And then there's choosing your future specialty. And also as many of you know, my heart and soul belong to OB/GYN. And like everything I get too excited about, I'm also terrified thanks to the what-ifs I create in my head. What if I stop liking it during internship? What if it's not the one for me? What if I don't get accepted? What if I'm supposed to find an easier specialty? Lots of what-ifs...

I don't know what to do if, God forbid, one of these what-ifs come true! I have a plan B, but it's not nearly as good. Just like any other plan B. Hence the B, right?

Other than that, almost-graduating is sooo frickingincrediblyunbelievablyawesome!

It feels like yesterday when I got accepted in medical school. When I told my mother and sister, tears streaming down my cheeks, that I had no friends (in retrospect, that one sounds like a scene in a teenager movie, but it was sad at that time, lol), that the only friend I had ditched class a lot and I was left alone. When I met my words-can't-describe-them kind of best friends. When I flunked a family and community midterm (on purpose) because we thought the course was just too stupid (Don't worry about me I ended up with a B at the end of the course). When I did my first stitch. When I walked the halls of the hospital for the first time, feeling very doctor-y even though I was as clueless as the receptionist. When I cried for the first time after an exam (this one is recent, check this.)...

Bottom line, el7amdulillah, it was the best 6 years of my life. One post would never do its justice.

Now I have four exams left before I'm officially on my own. So keep those prayers coming fellas!

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i tumblr

So I made a tumblr account the other day.. Turns out peer pressure never truly ends after you kiss your teen years goodbye. I'm kidding. I actually did it because I was bored and looking for more reasons to procrastinate the far more important things I had to do.

It is actually very fun and I came across a lot of nice stuff. But the reason why I didn't like it before (and still don't approve of much :p) is because there's no individuality whatsoever.

Only a small part of tumblr users take pictures or write posts themselves, the majority (including yours truly) just reblog.

This is why I like it in here. Even though I don't blog so often anymore but it is me. The drama, the meaninglessness, the insanity, the silliness, the greatness, whatever you find here is all me.

Even reading my old posts, which, to be honest, I almost never do because I'm afraid to stumble upon embarrassing things I might have found funny or worth posting back then. Even doing that takes me back to the moment I wrote that post. I remember where I was sitting, what I was thinking, and how I was feeling when I wrote it.

I laugh at my silly concerns which seemed serious back then, realize how awesome it was to be going through a new exciting experience, frown and go 'really, Hind?' over some posts.. You know.

Anyway, all that doesn't mean you shouldn't follow me on tumblr and make me feel special and loved :D go ahead now..

hiiind.tumblr.com

♥

People, I have found myself.

I love, no, I'M IN LOVE WITH OB/GYN.

For the first time in my life I enjoy a course THIS much. And it's been only one week.

Everyone's happy. Pregnant ladies are super cute. Many lives are just getting started. Babies are born. Parents are over the moon. Of course it's not alwayss happy but you get what I mean. That's what I love about it, it is by far the most optimistic branch of medicine.

The classes are veeery interesting. The clinic is so fun I don't want to ever leave it. The doctors are very nice.
I had even volunteered to make a presentation, even though I'm not exactly the public speaker of the year, and I enjoyed every minute of it! It was too pink but not for OB/GYN (another reason why I'm head over heels for it :p)

So now I have 6 more weeks of it, and I still have the 3 months during my internship year, and maybe the elective month as well. I need to make sure this is really what I want. But for time being, I can see myself clearly five years from now :')

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i never thought i'd do this but..

I cried after the exam today.

I don't do crying after exams.. Not because I'm a straight-A student who never loses a mark, but because, I never really get the urge to cry no matter how bad I do. I get depressed for a while, sleep, eat, and whiiiine endlessly. Make sure everyone knows I did bad. And of course the classic I think I'm gonna fail.. No I assure you I did so bad I'm gonna fail. People fail, why wouldn't I? which never happened el7amdillah.

During one of the exams, the doctor yelled at me while I was holding a patient's whole leg up high (to do Buerger's test). That was the lowest point in my short medical life. Yet when I was telling my friends what happened after the exam, I kept laughing hysterically, tears streaming down my cheeks, till one of my professors who thought I was sobbing came to me with a frantic look on his face and asked if I was okay..

Yeah. That's the kind of reaction I usually pull.

Back to today, so it was my internal medicine certifying clinical exam. We've been preparing for this exam for the last 7 weeks, since the beginning of the course. I made sure I covered most topics, especially the common ones.

I ended up getting a simple, uncomplicated case of sickle cell disease, which is veeeryy common here and the one thing you MUST/SHOULD/NEED to master. And I did.. I knew all there was to know about it. Not to mention, I got the same case for my 4th and 5th year clinical examinations.

Unfortunately, the discussion took another turn. Examiners ended up asking me about so many things I wasn't prepared for. The discussion sucked, the examination sucked, everything sucked. I knew I didn't deserve this. I'm a smart student and I work hard. I shouldn't be screwing up SICKLE CELL DISEASE!

I only needed the nice resident to ask me how I did to start crying.. I was shaking and gasping more than crying.

On our way to the next patient, she kept comforting me and reviewing important things with me. She was extremely sweet I wanted to hug her and tell her she rocks.

I did well in the short case, el7amdillah. Though one of the examiners was the kind who believed in "fatal mistake" (a mistake that gets you an instant F), but I was relaxed and determined to do well. I didn't want to end up screwing up both cases, and thank God I didn't.

I have two more finals coming up.. Big ones I might add. So you better keep praying for me! I really really really reallyyy need to graduate in June!